Depression lifts and I can finally listen to music

After more than 2 years, I've finally started listening to and enjoying music again. When my last acute episode of depression began I stopped listening to music because it worsened my overwhelming emotions. Both sad and happy music would trigger a downward spiral--sad music because it resonated with the depression, and happy music because its incongruence with my mood was so stark that it highlighted the depth of my condition and the distance I stood from a world that could appreciate upbeat sounds.

It's been two years since I've owned an iPod or used iTunes. And even though my car radio broke nearly a year ago, I haven't considered getting it fixed until now. But starting a few months ago I began to notice that when I was exposed to music during my good weeks I actually enjoyed it. It no longer triggered emotions that I was desperately trying to reign in and control.

Once I noticed that music wasn't so distressing I began to seek it out. I returned to Pandora, a free web radio I used a few years ago, and began playing some of my old favorites in the mornings. I still can't listen for more than twenty minutes or so without some discomfort, but I've found that a small, carefully administered dose music during the day helps me connect to my emotions in a healthy way.

My aversion to music when depressed may be fairly uncommon. Recently I've discovered that some people actually use music to treat depression. See this NYT music therapy article for information about music therapy if you think it might help.

Comments

[Sarah E Allen]

I am so glad that other people understand this often misunderstood symptom of severe depression. I have recently changed to a new combination of meds and seem to be improving. A huge sign is that I can listen to music again. When I was really bad, I found myself seeking out things like audiobooks and podcasts. Anything with a person talking. It was like having someone there without the worry of embarrassing yourself.

I think that listening to music is a situation where you are alone with your thoughts. Happy or sad, the music does not matter or help. It was frightening to even think of getting myself into that situation. It sounds totally crazy, but maybe that's what it is.

Being able to listen to music again seems like a good milestone for recovery. It is definitely one of the things that makes me feel like my old self again.

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Actually You can change your mood and even get rid of the depression WITH the help of music, Just listen some of the other kind, not so dull or calm or gloomy but some merry one.

[josh]

omg, i thought i was the only one!!! for years, i've had the worse time trying to listen to music - and music was once the only thing that kept me going - for the same exact reasons you said. i couldn't even describe why but you did it for me.